How to Cut the Cord

Addicts thrive on codependent relationships.  If they are able to have someone else fulfill their basic needs so that they can focus on sustaining their addiction, they usually have no motivation to stop.  Some loved ones acquiesce to enabling the addict because they fear that the repercussions for not doing so are potentially much worse than the addiction itself (e.g., homelessness, prostitution to acquire the substance, crime, and many other consequences).  Others have a personal, often unconscious desire to feel needed by another human being; many of these people may have had addiction or other problems that catalyze codependence and have internalized an inaccurate perception of how to help an addict as part of the legacy of addiction that they learned as children.  But regardless of the motivation, most conventionally accepted forms of family support actually inhibit an addict from gaining insight and feeling compelled to get treatment.  This article discusses the steps to take to ensure that you are not an unwitting addiction accomplice.

STEP 1: Assess your role.

Be aware of the many ways in which you might be unintentionally cushioning the normal consequences of addiction.  Have you been allowing the addict to live in your home?  Do you give the addict money – or not secure your money or valuables thereby making it possible for them to be stolen?  Do you let him or her eat your food, borrow your car, enjoy your cable TV and internet, and enjoy other amenities that they would otherwise be unable to afford?  Do you habitually bail them out of jail? Have you made excuses to their boss about why they are absent or late during a hangover?

STEP 2: Create a plan.

Think of potential ways that the addict will respond when you withdraw your support.  For example, if the addict breaks into your home after you change the locks, be prepared to call the police and report the incident. Remove them from any shared bank accounts or credit cards. Screen your calls and only listen to their messages; if they are ready to go to treatment, call them back.  But, if not ignore them.  If you are concerned that the addict may respond violently, you may want to ask an attorney if you have any legal ways to get them help against their will.  Also, parents of children or teens likely have additional choices.

STEP 3: Warn the addict.

Chances are, you’ve already tried to show them how damaging the addiction is.  Think about holding an intervention as a last attempt to get them to stop.   This may be even more effective if you can get everyone else to whom the addict might turn in desperation to be united against the addiction in a similar way.  If you have already tried an intervention, tell the addict that they have 24 hours to leave your home or you will call the police and report trespassing and possession of substances.

STEP 4: Implement the plan.

This is the most difficult step.  Confronting someone you love with a harsh ultimatum is not easy; but it is necessary for both of you.

STEP 5: Hold your ground.

The addict will likely resist and will even blame you for their problems.  They may think that you are bluffing and continue to take advantage of you.  Don’t let guilt or fear keep you from doing what you need to do.

STEP 6: Get help for yourself.

In many ways, cutting the cord and watching an addict choose an addiction over their relationship with you are extremely painful.  But, in other ways, you are freeing yourself from being enmeshed in a complicated, highly negative situation.  Still, you are likely to feel many complex emotions and speaking with a counselor can help you to heal and to move on with your life.