Why "Helping" Isn't Helping

Most addicts are normal people who were involved in a number of strong, loving interpersonal relationships before developing an addiction. Over time, many addicts shift priorities and begin to perceive and value old relationships in a new way: how they can be used to continue the addiction. Conflict emerges when those who were close to the addict do not observe or cannot accept this new relationship state. These people continue to interact with the addict as if nothing changed; they continue to offer financial, emotional, and other types of support. Some do so out of guilt or shame; others enable the addiction because they are in a codependent relationship and are afraid that they will lose their connection with the addict and, by extension, part of their own identity. Some – especially spouses and parents – do so out of genuine concern for the addict's well-being and fear of the dangers that he or she would face if homeless or the activities that he or she might resort to if desperate for money. Although it is easy to understand why people would want to protect someone whom they love, in the case of addiction, "helping" often does the opposite.

As already mentioned, addicts undergo a priority shift; this means that their definition of a quality life can change dramatically. This is often the fundamental miscommunication between addicts and their family. Loved ones will frequently ask, "How can she continue to live like this? Doesn't she see what it's doing to her health and her family?" or "How could he let this happen? Doesn't he want something more from his life?" But addicts now consider life to be acceptable if they can live another day and acquire the substance. Why should they change if they have easy access to money (given voluntarily or indirectly by not removing it from wallets or purses and securing it), regular meals, and a warm place to sleep? And in this way, addiction feeds on the good intentions and misguided efforts of others.

The phrase "rock bottom" is frequently used to describe an addict's epiphany that life has become intolerable. As described above, an outsider's perception of rock bottom is often vastly different from an addict's understanding of the same concept. Ideally, no addict should have to get to this point. Reaching rock bottom does not necessarily mean that the addict will then resolve himself to getting sober. Unfortunately, the extreme loneliness and despair that addicts feel at that moment can make them believe that the only way out is suicide.

If you have an addict in your life, you might ask at this point, "How could I ever forgive myself if I let that happen?" in many instances, the answer is to intervene before that moment, and to give the addict the choice of giving up the addiction or finding herself in that dark, low place without anyone she loves. Interventions are not always immediately successful; sometimes the addict needs to experience the empty life that addiction can lead to before agreeing to enter a residential rehab or outpatient program.  But even if the addict refuses help, it is sometimes necessary to cut the cord and move on with your own life.