Forgiving an Addict

Addiction brings out the worst in addicts. They can become self-interested, manipulative, and downright nasty. Those in an addict's life find such behavioral and personality changes understandably unsettling. Despite numerous negative interactions with the addict that may even constitute emotional or physical abuse, many put up with the new person that the addict has become because they love and care about them, they made a commitment to them, they feel that they are somehow responsible for what has happened to them, or they fear the end of a possibly codependent relationship. But doing so can often make anger and resentment grow to the point that it affects the happiness and well-being of the relative or friend. For this reason, those who have been close to an addict who has hurt them could find forgiveness therapeutic (Addicts may also benefit from forgiving themselves.).

What Forgiveness Means

Perhaps it is easier to understand what it means to forgive by first understanding what it is not. Forgiveness does not require tolerance of inappropriate behavior (“I’ll just put up with it until the phase passes”); minimization (“I know she stole that money from my desk, but it wasn’t very much and I can do without it.”); suppression of emotions (“People always use and manipulate me so this is nothing different.”); elimination of repercussions (“I will tell your boss that your sick instead of hungover.”); or reconciliation (i.e., reconnecting if estranged or continuing an existing relationship).  Forgiveness involves a conscious decision to free yourself from a negative relationship and the wounds of the past.

Benefits of Forgiving

The process can have a number of advantages for the person who is in the position of forgiving someone. Research indicates that those who are in the process of forgiving others have decreased blood pressure and lower incidence of heart disease; forgiving provides personal meaning, improved self-esteem, and renewed hope. Those who forgive often are less likely to experience anxiety and depression than those who do not.  Other relationships may improve also as you become more able to focus on the positive aspects of the present instead of dwelling on the negative facets of the past.

Should You Try It?

If you can answer "yes" to any of the questions below, you may want to consider asking a therapist to help you work through the process.

• Do you regularly think about past negative interactions with the addict?
• Have thoughts about the addict made it difficult to focus on tasks, conversations, or other activities?
• Do you wish that you could find a way to inflict the same amount of pain on them as they have on you?
• Does it take a lot of self-control to not immediately snap at the person when you are with them?
• Have others noticed that you are less happy or more stressed than you once were?

How to Forgive

Although the process is simple to explain, it can be difficult to do effectively without the help of a therapist.  Consider how the resentment has affected you; consciously decide to attempt to complete the process; actively work on it by trying to understand their perspective and motivations; and, finally, look for deeper meaning in the experience in its entirety.