Rebuilding Relationships

During recovery, addicts face many challenges. They must learn to resist cravings that can have both biological and psychological causes. They must heal from physical and emotional damage from the addiction and watch for signs of post acute withdrawal syndrome. But perhaps the most overwhelming task that they face is trying to salvage and restore the many relationships that were jeopardized by the addiction. This article offers some suggestions for reconnecting with those who may have been caught in the crossfire.

Admit and Apologize
Learning to be accountable for past and present decisions is often incorporated into treatment programs.  Don’t pass blame or incorporate it in apologies (e.g., “I’m sorry for something, but it really happened as a result of something else that you did.”); it’s your time to apologize, not theirs.

Have Realistic Expectations
If you are fortunate enough to have a person forgive you after only a verbal apology, make sure that you understand that forgiveness does not mean the person also immediately trusts you or condones your past behavior.  It also does not necessarily mean that they want you back in their life. Forgiveness is a gesture that indicates willingness to release anger, resentment, and other negative emotions associated with the past to help that person function normally and healthily. Although it is an important step in rebuilding relationships, you will have much more work ahead of you.

Deserve Forgiveness
An apology will be perceived as sincere if you follow through with positive changes.  Stay away from people and situations that might cause you to relapse. Find a job and stick with it.  Pay your bills and other outstanding debts. Regularly visit your family and exceed everyone’s expectations when fulfilling your family responsibilities.

Make Restitution
You can’t go back in time, but you can try to correct your past mistakes now that you are aware of them.  Look for ways to not simply “make the score even” but also to give those whom you may have hurt an extra sign that you are committed to making things right between you.

Be Persistent 
Especially if someone has felt betrayed or has been physically, emotionally, or financially injured by your actions, you may encounter strong resistance when you first try to make amends.  Don’t give up easily; healing relationships takes time.

Ask Others to Share Their Feelings
It will probably be very difficult for you to hear, but letting others express their feelings about how your addiction hurt them can be an important part of their healing process.  Before you ask, prepare yourself mentally to listen without interrupting them, and not to respond until you’ve had time to reflect on what they have told you so you don’t respond in anger and make matters worse.

Offer to Go to Therapy With Them
Some people may be more comfortable expressing themselves in a safe environment where they do not feel as if they are being confronted.  Having a neutral third party to act as a mediator can help ensure that everyone has an opportunity to speak and accurately communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Give Them Some Space
No matter how much they wanted the original you back, they may still have overwhelming emotions that can only be lessened with time.  If you sense that they are shutting you out or avoiding you, take a step backwards and give them some time to come to you.

Forgive Yourself
Depending on the situation, some relationships may be impossible to get back. With the knowledge that you put in genuine effort, forgive yourself.